a play
(please, do not dance)
2013, Moscow
written in collaboration with Anastasia Matisova
Characters:
Guy - Caucasian type, around 30 years old
Girl - nice looking, 25 years old
Young man – a young man
Husband – middle-aged, salary little below the average
Wife - in the wheelchair
Manager – a sweating man with a name badge
Truck driver – wears a peaked cap, pulled over his eyes.
Scene 1
Early morning. Bright, cozy room. Apparently, people, who furnished this room, have a good understanding of the modern design. A guy is sleeping on the TIKKORA bed, on TORVA GROENSACK bed linen.
Phone calls. The guy picks up.
GUY. Hello. What? What a hell? Who is this? A-a… I am sorry, what? Who are you from? Where should I go, sorry, I didn’t hear you? Wait, why? But I can’t. How can I leave? Do you realize, that I can’t leave the room? But how will I do that? No… Ok, I got it. Yes… Ok, fine… I will do it. You still didn’t explain me, why!… Shit…
The guy gets up from the TIKKORA bed and approaches the ANEBUDA wardrobe. He starts to open the doors, one by one. A girl comes out of the shower.
GIRL. Hi.
GUY. Yeah.
GIRL. What are you doing?
GUY. Have you seen my jacket?
GIRL. What jacket? We are having breakfast in 5 minutes.
GUY. I need to find the jacket.
GIRL. What for? You are always having breakfast in your pajamas.
GUY. I need it. I want to get dressed.
GIRL. You can do it later. Now we’ve got to have breakfast.
GUY. I won’t have breakfast. Better help me.
GIRL. Wait, first of all, why don’t you close back the wardrobe doors? Do I need to do it?
GUY. Look in that upper one. Nothing there?
GIRL. What does it mean - I won’t have breakfast?
GUY. Why do you care?
GIRL. What…? We need to! I can’t have breakfast alone. There’s no such thing!GUY. Why the hell do I have to eat always at the same time, I’m not hungry! That’s it.
GIRL. Listen, (lowering her voice) Pasha, what’s going on?
GUY. Nothing, everything’s fine.
GIRL. No, it’s not!
GUY. Listen, fuck off. Today you’ll have to eat alone. I need to go now.
GIRL. What does it mean?
GUY. It means I need to get out now.
GIRL. Wait, why?
GUY. Don’t ask me, I can’t tell you anything, I need to get out.
GIRL. Did you get fired or what?
GUY. Nooo… I didn’t get fired, I just! decided! to get! out! Fuck off, please.
GIRL. Are you serious? Do you know what they do to you?
GUY. Nothing, don’t worry.
GIRL. Is it because of me? Do you want to leave me??
GUY. What does it have to do with anything?
GIRL. But… wait… Do you realize you are putting me in danger?
GUY. What danger? Calm down, don’t worry! You will have someone else in an hour… You have managed somehow without me before…
GIRL. I don’t even remember that time. Don’t leave me here!
GUY. But they will send you someone new…
GIRL I don’t want anyone new! It’s not only your business! I also… You can’t do this to me!
GUY. Calm down… I have to…
GIRL. I am fucking sitting here for three months and think about how we get out of here together! Don’t leave me, please! We have only three weeks left! We will leave together, everything is going to be as beautiful as it is here, but real this time.
GUY. Listen…
GIRL. What should I listen to? I am an idiot!
GUY. Do you really think there can be anything real after THIS?
GIRL. After this I love you.
GUY. Are you serious?
GIRL. What part did you not understand??
GUY. Listen, I like you a lot, really… God, why didn’t talk about it before?!
GIRL. We are talking about it now.
GUY. Why do you…. No, I don’t want to leave you. Ok, be quiet. I can’t… I really can’t tell you anything… Hmmm… I will find you later. I really need to go now.
GIRL. Where?
GUY. Doesn’t matter.
GIRL. …will you really find me? How? Do you even understand what they will do to you?
GUY. I can deal with it. Sorry. I need your help.
GIRL. Shush, somebody is coming. (She sits down at the NUMERER table and takes a FERGRIG cup) Sit down!
GUY. Fuck. (He sits down at the NUMERER table and takes a GELL cup) Will you help me?
GIRL. Yes.
A young man enters the room dashingly. It seems he is looking for something particular.
GIRL (smiling broadly). Darling, you did not put away the vacuum cleaner yesterday, so I stumbled over it in the morning.
GUY. Honey, we live in a small-space apartment, we have so little space!
GIRL. But after all, we have an excellent ALGOT storage system, and there is room for a vacuum cleaner and a hose inside!
GUY. Of course! I always forget about the functional arrangement of our apartment!
YOUNG MAN. (Indistinctly) No, not here…
The young man leaves the room.
GUY. (Stands up, sharply pushing back TERNO chair) I need to get out.
GIRL. Who called you?
GUY. I don’t know!
GIRL. What did they say?
GUY. That I need to get out! They did not explain themselves, but it’s serious, how could you not underst…
A married middle-aged couple comes into the room, a wife is in a wheelchair.
GIRL. (Smiling broadly). Darling, you did not put away the vacuum cleaner yesterday, so I stumbled over it in the morning.
WIFE. Right here, to the sofa. Young people, help him, would you?
GUY. Honey, we live in a small-space apartment, we have so little space!
HUSBAND. Please don’t start it… I do it myself…
GIRL. But after all, we have an excellent ALGOT storage system, and there is room for a vacuum cleaner and a hose inside!
WIFE. Why are they sitting here? Let them work! Come on, keep working.
GUY. Of course! I always forget it!
HUSBAND (to the guy and the girl). Excuse me, could you please…
GIRL. Good morning.
WIFE. I will talk to them myself, you go check the wardrobe.
The husband goes to the wardrobe.
WIFE. Young man, what is it made of?
GUY. Basic construction parts: particleboard, foil, polypropylene, ABS plastic. Adjustable hinges ensure correct fixation of the door, self-closing hinges ensure reliable closing of the doors…
WIFE. Be sure to check the doors!
The husband opens and closes every door of the wardrobe one by one.
WIFE. Now, what about the curtains? From this season?
GIRL. KATTMINT curtains. Length: 260 cm. Width: 145 cm. Weight: 1.28 kg.
Braid on the upper edge allows you to make folds on the curtains, using RIKTIG curtain hooks. You can hang the curtains, using…
WIFE. I don’t see the type of material, take them down for me.
The girl goes to the window.
WIFE. Look at the hooks on the door! Don’t have to nail them, can’t expect anything from you anyway.
HUSBAND. Yes. Let’s take five right away.
WIFE. Are you screwed or what? We only have four doors in the house. What about the sofa? Who is the designer? Carlsson again?
The guy drops the FERNUFT fork on the floor. The girl returns to him.
WIFE. Put me on it!
HUSBAND. Let me do it… It’s a kind of embarrassing…
WIFE. You already drove me into the stroller, you asshole.
HUSBAND. Because you need to pay the professionals to assemble the wardrobe…
WIFE. This blockhead assembled the wardrobe incorrectly, and I’m still to blame!
HUSBAND. Do not start, please…
WIFE. I would love looking at you lying under the wardrobe, you bastard!
HUSBAND. I would not be surprised you were happy to get a lifetime discount. You could have arranged it yourself!
WIFE. What a bitch, I might buy all these wardrobes for your sake only! If you just… I would… I’ll make you a coffin from these wardrobes, bastard!
GIRL. Please do not shout.
GUY. Please do not shout.
WIFE. You shut up yourself, you do not know how to work! I’m going to call the manager!
GIRL. Excuse me, please, we’ll show you everything now! May I pour you some tea? I can show you how to convert the sofa into the bed if you want? (She nods to the guy as a sign to make the tea).
GUY (To the girl, quietly). I can’t wait any longer, that’s it.
GIRL. My colleague will make you tea now!
The guy goes to the ANRIK teapot. Without anyone seeing it, the girl presses the button to call a manager. The manager enters.
MANAGER. Hi! Did something happen?
WIFE. Your staff is terrible!
HUSBAND. Please calm down already.
MANAGER. Excuse me, but who called me?
GIRL. I did.
GUY. What?
MANAGER. For what reason? (Addressing the guy and the girl, quietly) Why is your bed not tucked? And why is there STRANDMOND in the room? Pasha! Why fuckups again? (Addressing the visitors) We are very sorry and will resolve all issues, while you are looking at our new catalog. (Takes the guy aside, very quietly) What the hell are you doing? Do you want a penalty? We deduct it from your salary, we deduct everything, is that clear?
GUY. Yes, I just need to leave for 15 minutes. I have… uh… well… family… reasons…
MANAGER. Quiet, do not shout like that! Where are you going to go? What reasons?! Convert the bed right away! Do you even know, can you imagine, what happens to you because of that?
GUY. I don’t care. I still need to get out.
MANAGER. If you have not figured it out yet, I’ll call the security now, we’ll go to the senior manager.
WIFE. Do you even plan to serve your customers, or what? Everybody should be fired!
MANAGER. Woman, do not bother me!… I mean… uh… I’m sorry… I just wanted…
FEMALE. What do you allow yourself? I am an honorary client!
The wife is approaching the manager in a wheelchair. The husband tries to drag his wife away. She hits him with an elbow in the stomach, he folds from the pain.
WIFE. What kind of service is it? What do you allow yourself? Take your hands off me! I’m a Second Category disabled! You owe me everything, you will never pay me back! I can always file a lawsuit!
The guy pushes the wheelchair with his foot, it rolls into the MORVIK wardrobe, the girl closes the door of the MORVIK wardrobe with the woman inside. The husband runs up against the guy. Both fall on the floor.
MANAGER. (Shouts) Please, calm down!
The girl attacks the husband, trying to strangle him. He grabs the handle of the BASTIG. The guy breaks away, grabs the ERNERT pillow for sleeping on a stomach, throws it in the direction of the husband.
MANAGER. (Shouts) Please, calm down!
The manager restrains the guy with a help of DROPLING pocket, trying to call security. The wife gets out of the wardrobe, throws BRALLIS hanger at the manager. The guy fights back with the help of GREDDING wall decoration and runs away.
Scene 2
The guy runs through the endless halls with furniture. He stops to take a breath.
GUY. Fuck, kitchens again. Where is the way out?
Runs further. Addresses to the nearest employee.
GUY. What section is it?
Runs further. Addresses to the nearest employee.
GUY. What section is it?!
Runs further. Addresses to the nearest employee.
GUY. What section is it?!!!
He falls on the ODUM high pile carpet, starts to cry.
GUY. (Howls) where am I?!… Where is this fucking way out?!… Awww… They offered me to work as an analyst! He suddenly calms down, gets up. Runs further. Finally, he seems a barely noticeable door.
Scene 3
The guy opens the door and sees a street behind it. He staggers, panting, comes out slowly and hesitantly. It just stopped raining, the air smells of lilac. He takes a few steps forward, breathes in deeply and closes his eyes. He is happy. The IKEA truck suddenly appears from around the corner and knocks the guy down. The truck driver exits the truck.
TRUCK DRIVER. I… there is a thing… I started to think about it long ago, and you know… Well, that is, not that long ago… but somewhere, well, in the corner of my consciousness, something like that… It kind of flashed as though… and I probably understood… or did not, no, understanding is not a very suitable word… I… uh…kind of felt… Well, I don’t know… it just seems that… whatever, let’s leave it. Just when you see this, you somehow involuntarily… Apart from yourself… You become a little… uh… subtle, is it… like you’re no longer a part of yourself… that is, you are no longer yourself at all. I don’t know… I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this now… a kind of a final exit… and it’s even unclear… is it final or not… You know… how to tell you… I really don’t like to talk about it, to be honest… It’s somehow unpleasant, as if you’re undressing, although you didn’t mean to… But, in general, there is, in fact, something… that is stronger than you… that anything at all… and you understand that… everything that you were looking for, everything you devoted yourself to… and uhm… everything that you said before - it may no longer be necessary… for you, first of all. What will you have to say then? What can you say? Can you even say something in this situation? I personally don’t know… And the most important question… The one I see now… at this particular moment of my life… is there, is there anyone who listens to you?…….. is there in all this…… something wrong. Something totally wrong… totally… what…? I forgot what I wanted to say.
The end